thisisreal;thisisme.
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yourstruly,
My name is SAMSON.AXELANDER KO
24THDECEMBER1992 
thflashbacks,
October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 August 2010 November 2010 January 2011 February 2011
lovedbyme,
Samson Axelander Ahxiang -jeffrey.BABY♥♥♥ -fabian.barthez ♥♥♥ -siokyit.tan ♥♥♥ -blythe.kimberly ♥♥♥ -nicole.tan ♥♥♥ -XINYI.penguin ♥ -angeline.poh ♥
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
have been at the family chalet for the past few days, HAD FUN! whoots.missed me people? LOLS.bonded well with ger qi marc and zhengwei. maybe mingxue?HAHAHA.whatever. the bbq turned out very successful. cos i was part of the cooking team mah,that's why. 4 days to school reopen and i don't have any bit of anticipation. LOLS.don't care.will be going out tommorow.LALALAS. happy advanced NEWYEAR! yuxiang loves all.
Friday, December 28, 2007
hahas.thanks for concern yeh, guess i'm fine.LOLS.3 day neh blog le wor.hahas.going to get a new phone later. not a very fantastic one though.will just use it to get through for 2 months then i'll have a new phone in february.feel blessed.HAHAS. going for a family chalet later. hope it'll be fun, :D LOVE YOU PEOPLE LORTS <3
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
HOHOHO,merry x'mas had a rather fun birthday yesterday. thanks to da gu for making it happen. thanks for all the gifts,presents. love you people lots lots.although the happy me is not back yet,i'll be back in a while. whoots whoots,that's a promise. went to the zoo yesterday.had fun seeing the animals in action.but they seemed rather restless. most of the animals were real lazy and just laid there sleeping.eh.my birthday and you're sleeping? asking for a beating man!lols. been a rather long time since the last time i sounded so happy.LOL.today is christmas.the day in which Jesus was born.so,i pray that he'll bless everyone. whether is it in your studies,work,or life. :D going for dinner at LOT1. missyou people! yuxiiangs #
Monday, December 24, 2007
it's my birthday.at least we are going to celebrate. i'm happy already.i can finally smile for a while. my plan for today is to go to the ica building first thing in the morning to get my ic issued,then on to a lunch with da gu,watch alvin and the chipmunks next to the zoo to find yuexia mummy and animals.woohoo.thanks for the happy birthday messages and phone calls. calls: naomi marcella mummy. messages: 1)mei sis 2)sing ee 3)brian 4)da gu 5)marcus 6)gerbera 7)zheng yu kor,eng wee and sharlyn more to be updated.thanks all. LOVES <3
Saturday, December 22, 2007
2 more days to my birthday and still counting down. normally at this time of the year,i would be very happy and excited.but as i have mentioned,i'm least enthusiastic about my own birthday.sigh.sighing have become my most regular act.i sigh here and i sigh there.people say that sighing makes you grow faster and look older.that's exactly what i want.i wan to die earlier so that i would not turn into a burden for anyone.or may i say, i do not want to be a burden anymore.but no matter how hard i try, i'm still one.there is no other way.dying is the only solution to end it all. but i would not be that silly as to claim my own life.i'll just let nature take it's course.but sooner or later,it'll be my turn to leave this miserable world.this miserable life.i wish it'll be quick though.i'm just a nobody.nobody cares about me.i do not want any care either. you can jolly weel focus your care and concern on other people. i do not want any.just leave me alone.guess this is who i am. no use cheering me up.maybe the happy and cheerful fun-loving SAMSON GAO YUXIANG is gone forever.the yuxiang you'll see will be the down and emotional yuxiang.people always tell me to control my emotions and do not let it control you.this is not my emotion.this is me. this is who i am.and nobody can change this very fact.nobody.not even myself. don't bother to cheer me up.it'll not work.i'll just be that boy sitting in one corner alone with no one caring about him.he'll grow up this manner. and when he grows old,he'll be all alone.no friends,nothing.this is my vision of my future.so just let it be.i do not have any intentions of altering anything.let me rot myself to death, :D i love smiling.but it'll not be what i do from now.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
4 days to my birthday.but i'm not feeling any better. still do not have any idea of how i'm going to celebrate my birthday. guess that i would not be celebrating then,SIGH. 15 years of age already and i'm still like that.when will i learn. to be a grown up?i'm childish.thank you people from trying to cheer me up.but i guess i'm like that.as stubborn as a mule. refusing to heed any advises.this is me.this is who i am. an asshole.a useless being.i am not worth anything. stop caring about me.i do not deserve your care and concerns. let me be alone.to live in my own world.let me rot. and be that emo-ing kid that no one cares about.FINE.be that way. i do not intend to want anyone to care about me. i do not need birthday presents.i'm just a load of bull-shit. if you want just give.i'm not being forceful.if you do not want den don't i don't care.i'm left all alone and i like it.please do not pry into this world i'm living in.do not give a damn of me,my life and everything. i do not need anyone.although i hate being alone, i hate people around me too.i do have split personalities.you may see one side of me and you may know the other side.get rough with me and i'll be rough with you.i do not care a bit about myself. so,do not care about me,i'm hopeless.a good for nothing.that's who i am. who cares,i don't.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
guess i'm really a NOOB.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
with only a few days to my long awaited 15th birthday, i'm feeling very miserable.this is the worst year i've had and i just can't imagine what life is going to be like next year. hais,da gu asked me how i wanted to celebrate my birthday. i couldn't give her an answer so i said i did not want to celebrate. i spent last year's birthday at church and i regret it.but i did love the bbq at shuling's place we had as 1 big family.almost everyone in the cell was there.it was a christmas cum my birthday celebration. had loads and loads of fun.i spent more than 100 bucks for the presents and i do not regret.i think it was worth the while.each year,i wait in anticipation for my birthday to arrive.but year after year,it is getting more and more meaningless to hold any momories.i really missed the past.the young and innocent SAMSON GAO YUXIANG.but as many have told me. you cannot turn back the time even if you can turn back the clock. this is really very true.how can i not even have an idea of how i am going to celebrate my birthday?a failure.that's who i am.strange isn't it. i really cannot put my feelings to words of mouth.i feel very uneasy. but if you ask me to write,i surprisingly can.with almost full details of how i'm feeling and what i'm thinking.i really think that blogging is the thing for me.i do not have to care about a thing in the outside world because it is between my computer and i. i really do want to celebrate my birthday.i just do not know what to do.i do not want to have a situation where people i invite or whatsoever cannot come due to various reasons that the person gives.i know this is being unfair.so i rather not have the celebration. thank you da gu for the thought of wanting to help me organise a party of some sort but i really do not have the mood to do or have any celebrations now.i feel so hard up.so miserable,so pathetic.so weak.i do not have the heart for anything now.not even for GOD.that is one thing that i must admit.i've let GOD down.doing things i shouldn't and not even thinking about him.who am i exactly.i'm confused.with mixed feelings and emotions. why must things come to a situation like this?i do not feel like doing anything now.blogging is the only thing i have left my energy for. i have tons of holiday homework not done yet although i have finished most of my assignments.i really do not have the heart to study now. things that have happened in my family turned me into who or may i say, what i am today.but again.i must stress this.i am not blaming anyone. if any of my family member accidentally come across my blog and see what i wrote here,i ask that you do not get the wrong message out of my posts.some may be written out of anger,frustration or just rash moments. do not take it to heart.i do love all of you.i do.6 days to my birthday.SIGH
Monday, December 17, 2007
FUCK!i really really hate sarcastic people!now i know how mei sis felt about those sarcastic people.i you want to talk bad about me,talk to me right into my face.don't go around telling other people.you sarcastic freak,I HATE YOU!and you are none other then my father.ass hole.got a call from you asking if i have been out the whole day.then i said no.you then said,'oh,what time did you go out then?'then i said,i went to find mummy at the coffee shop and went home with her,going out again at around 4 plus.then you replied,"oh,you don't call that whole day?"fuck off la.5 hour is considered one whole day? okay,never mind.then you ask me where i was.then i told you that i was over at ahma's place having dinner because i did not have money.next,you said.'wah,dunnid to tell de ar?'why do you have to talk like that?having you around really dampens my mood.out of a sudden you are so concerned about me.it has been a very long time since the last time you called and talked to me in that manner.people that are reading this may think that i'm kicking a big fuss over a small matter.but i've had enough!i'm really very sick of things like that.you always complain to mummy saying:'wah,your childrens' room looks like a rubbish dump.and smells like it too.'WOW,YOU ARE ACTUALLY HAPPY THAT YOUR CHILDRENS' ROOM IS IN THAT MANNER,WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE DESCRIPTIONS LIKE THAT?DO YOU REALLY HOPE THAT MY SISTER AND I LIVE LIFE IN THAT KIND OF ENVIRONMENT?and every time you flare up at mummy,she would come crying to us at times.if we are your target,tackle us.not my mother.yes i'm being sarcastic here.if you are reading this post,the better.i used to think that my father was the best and would go around telling people that i love my father more than i love my mother but it really looks like i'm wrong.you were the one who got me everything i wanted,always the one to help me when mummy disciplines me asking her to stop caning and stuffs.but you changed.you really changed.where is the father i used to love so much.i don't even call you when you come home now.i used to be so happy when you come home from work every night.i really miss my daddy.where have you gone?why are you such a monster now?i'm crying again.and why is that so?because i really love you.i love you.i love you. DADDY,i love you.you people may think i'm a weakling.always crying.yes!i admit.i'm weak.i have unstable emotions.where were you when i needed you most.when i fail in my exams,you never fail to scold me.never once tried to understand the reason behind things.this started ever since i was in secondary one.three years.i've endured your endless sarcastic remarks.i know.i'm useless.not meeting your expectations every time.my sisters suffered a worse fate than me under your hands and i know it.i know you love me most among your three children but daddy.why.why have you changed?was it because of stress at work?it is not that i do not understand that you have a lot of stress from work trying to make ends meet for this family.but you do not have to strain yourself to such an extent.you really do not have to.if your job gives you such pain,then quit.you may say easier said than done.no.quitting is easy.just type a resignation letter and give to you superior.it is not difficult.i do not need you to provide me with expenses.i can work.i really can.i do not want to give you stress.i do not.i really do not.cry cry cry.that's all i do.why am i so stupid?why am i so lazy?why can't i just ace my exams just to make you happy?why?i blame myself.i do.da gu always tell me.no one is blaming you so,you shouldn't blame yourself.but i know.you blame me.i know.i think you regret having this son.i always tell myself.i will work hard prove everyone wrong.people look down on me.i do not like it at all.i dislike being challenged.i scream i shout i cry in silence.nobody knows.only those who are reading this blog do.i am a person who likes to spend.and sometimes when i spend,i do not keep track of my budget or anything.i know you have spent a lot on me.i have let you down.i have let mummy down.i have also let da gu down.i really do not want to continue on like this.i'm going bonkers.seriously i am.i wanted to scold you really harshly on my blog.but how come i've become so sad,so filled with emotions?i really do not know.i feel like leaving this family.i have brought you happiness.and that was only when i was a baby.a innocent child who knew nothing until he began to understand the things of the world.countless tissue papers i've used for just this post.my tears may just fill a river.but do you know,you don't.the last time i broke down and cried silently in my room you saw and actually said i was shedding crocodile's tears because i've failed in my exams.who are you?i really do not know you anymore.where is my father?where is he?return my beloved father back to me.you are not my father.you are not.my elder sisters are seldom at home and they do not know what is going on they have to live their own lives and i do not want to be a burden to them.i do not want to be a burden to you and mummy too.needless to say,da gu too.da gu said she did not see me as a burden but i heard her say that she felt that i was.she might not have thought that i would have taken it to heart but i did and i do.it came out from her mouth and i heard it with my ears.why am i a burden.i know i am one.i am not blaming anyone.i'm just blaming myself.i'm such an ass.i do not want to be a burden.i always ask myself to change.but i end up the same.a useless being.i hate myself. crying.but no one cares.
Friday, December 14, 2007
sigh.went to siokyit's blog earlier on and saw the post. went on to cherie's blog and saw the tags. next to shermaine's blog and saw another chunk of tags then to denise's blog and heard some worship songs. who's fault is it?siokyit said i shouldn't blame her and i do not.but why must things turn out this way? it is between the sisters and i know i do not have any authority to pry into their affairs.but they are my sisters too. we may be separated for whatever reasons,but i'm still your brother and you my sisters.i don't know what's in your minds.but nothing cannot be resolved.siokyit is hot-headed and may be rather ruthless with words you people should know. she is sensitive so you people should also be more sensitive and realise if what you say would trigger any arguments or quarrels. yes i too feel that some of you have been sarcastic.i believe the post cherie wrote on 3rd december was targeted at siokyit because of the post about the wedding,sisters and everything. it is her authority to write anything because it is her blog. baohui shouldn't have added in any remarks.it's like adding oil to fire. eeling shouldn't have tagged about it either.denise too.it is none of my business and some may say that i'm a busy-body.but hey! i'm not the kind of person who is very free and have nothing to do okay, i too am busy and have a lot of things to do and attend to. why do i care a bit?because you people are my sisters.you may say that i'm siding with siokyit because she is my cousin.but sorry.i side with no one.nobody is to blame for such a thing.small issues can be made into huge ones too.i just hope the sisters can work things out. and everyone will be happy once again. when i was at denise's blog,i heard some worship songs. how i missed the touch of God on me when worshipping him in church, how i wish to go back but i just don't want to. how i really missed those songs,those times. none of this would have happened if only that thing did not happen. we might still be one big family.none of ahpa and ahma's fault. if those who really know me will know what i'm doing now, other then writing on the blog.i shall not say it because it is embarrassing. i love all of you more thanj i love myself. yuxiiangs.i'm nothing but a nuisance
Thursday, December 13, 2007
went out with yuping and cecelia today. had alot of fun.went to their work place at centrepoint to meet them hahas.we went on the cinelesiure.walked walked and then had lunch at pasta mania.they were shocked on how much powered cheese i poured into my plate of pasta.it was very very tasty,YUMYUM.lols we slacked around and i kept making them luff.woohoo.luff.hahas next,we went to heeren.shopped for school shoes and eventually got a pair of converse shoes.headed home next.my life is a bore.siansiansian. YUXIIANGS LURRVES YOU~
Monday, December 10, 2007
LOLs.woke up at 3 pm today.cos i slept only at 6 this morning. was playing audi with siokyit and kimberly.think that i'm still a noob.hahas.siokyit said i improved alot but i feel otherwise. hahas.sian.that's what happens when u play with pros.but at least i won for like 3 times in 3 hours.hahahs.lousy right.the ultimate winner was DABIAN QUEEN.woohoo,'claps*' hahs.i'm turning into an audition siao already.spending at least 3 hrs on the game each day.need to start to do hols homework already.lagging behind.haahahs.blog some other time ba. :D
Sunday, December 09, 2007
i'm back to blog. turned out that i did not go for the wedding.LOLs. few reasons involved.i woke up late,had a stomach ache, and the train i boarded had a system breakdown. i almost broke down too!lols,don't wanna go into details. went to dabian queen's house after being sent back to jurong because of the breakdown. LOLs.told her about it and she luffed like no bodys' business,using ahma's phone now. a little breakdown in system too.sometime when i speak to the other party,they can't hear me but on the other hand i can hear them loud and clear,LOL. feeling better since the last post.really don't know why i can be so temperamental. sometimes i can be crazy and fool around.but at times,i'll be like someone so quiet that you would not even notice that i'm around.funny eh? maybe i have split personalities.sometime this sometimes that.hahahs k la.going to meet my mother for lunch le.BYE!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
i'm going to the church wedding tomorrow. hais.very down right now.mei sis doesn't want to go cos she doesn't have the mood to.hahas. can't blame her la.she no mood jiu can't force ma. but i'll be terribly sian.why did i even agree to go? maybe because it was an invitation by ahpa.if it was someone else,i would not have agreed.marcus is not going too.that sucker.full of excuses.very very sad now. went to cherie sis's blog earlier on.don't know what triggered me but i just started to think about things that happened in the past and started crying.why am i such a sissy?cry cry cry. that's all i know how to do.i'm such an ass.i seriously hate myself. i really miss the past in church.last year maybe?although we might have known each other for only around a year or so, but believe me i do love each and everyone of you all from the bottom of my heart.hahahs,i really miss those days. the fun we had,the love we shared.somethings will not go the way we want it to be.this is god's will in our lifes. we do not have control of our lifes.God have already planned it all out for us.sometimes i really feel very stupid. why did god make humans just to suffer?was he too stupid? did he have nothing else to do?why does he love us? why die for us on the cross?we were made from dust.worthless. why why why.many questions have been running through my mind lately. can't understand.WHY!what's wrong?HAIS. depressed :D forcing a smile.
Friday, December 07, 2007
HAHAS.it's me again.feeling better from the previous post. going out wit belle and gang later.but i have not gone to bed.LOLs. meeting them at 10 and it's already 230 a.m hahas. later confirm cannot wake up de.dun care la.lols.haven't been using the computer for the past few days cos sis brought it out.can't blame her. she needs it for her studies.people having exam ma.i holidays.hahas. going escape with them later.LALALS.dunno whether wanna go for pastor adrian's church wedding leh.later will see people i dun wanna see.KNS. hahahs.TAN SIOK YIT! go wit me la.then shuling will oso go. i long time never see her le.hahas.den can bond again wor.LOLS. go la go la go la go la.HAHAHS.till then, yuxiiangs# GOD BLESS<3
Monday, December 03, 2007
WAH LAO EH.I NOW SUPER FUCKED UP LA NABEI.I JUS COME HOME STEP INTO THE HOUSE THEN MY FATHER KAOPEIKAOBU GAN ME.NIN NA BEI LA.I BORN HERE NOT FOR YOU TO SCOLD THE HOR.U WAN GAN GO GAN OTHER PEOPLE LA.CHIBAI SCOLD YOUR OWN SON.KAO EH.I JUST REACH HOME SO TIRED LE FIRST THING JIU DIO GAN.SAY WHAT I NEVER TIDY THE HOUSE.WHO YOU THINK I AM,MAID AH,I GO OUT WITH COUSIN YOU SAY THIS SAY THAT SAY THEY WILL INFLUENCE ME.TELL YOU LA HOR,IS NOT THEM,IS YOU.YOU WANT SCOLD THEN IN THE FIRST PLACE DON'T FUCK MY MOTHER AND HAVE ME LA.NOW I BORN LE THEN SAY SO MUCH.KAN NI NA. WHY CAN'T I BE ONE OF THOSE FEW MILLION SPERMS OF YOURS THAT DID NOT REACH THE EGG IN TIME AND JUST DIED,WHY MUST I BE BORN SINCE YOU DISLIKE ME SO MUCH.YOU KEEP SAYING ME OSO NEVER THINK ABOUT YOURSELF.WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR THIS FAMILY EXCEPT FOR MAKING MONEY AND SCOLDING US?YOU THINK MONEY VERY BIG IS IT,I DON'T HAVE YOU I NO PROBLEM THE.SAY I WAN GO WORK THEN YOU THERE KAOPEIKAOBU SAY WHAT I THINK YOU NOT ENOUGH MONEY,YES WHAT THAT IS MY EXACT THINKING.PLEASE LA IF YOU GIVE ME ENOUGH MONEY I WILL WANT TO LOOK FOR JOB MEH.THINK I ALOT OF TIME AH,WHY CANNOT STAY HOME KIAO KAH MUST GO LOOK FOR JOB LEH,?COS U NEVER PROVIDE ENOUGH FOR ME MA.EVERYDAY WORK WORK WORK.COME HOME GAN GAN GAN.AT WORK NOT HAPPY WITH OTHER PEOPLE COME HOME GAN US.YOU THINK WE WHAT BORN FOR YOU TO GAN AH?I NO LONGER YOUR GUAI GUAI EVERY WEEK GO CHURCH SON LE HOR,THAT TIME I GOOD BOY GO CHURCH U SAY WHAT NO GOOD.NOW YOU HAPPY LA.I NEVER GO LE.U PROVIDE MONEY VERY BIG ARE?!GOT PROVIDE LOVE?CONCERN?DUN HAVE!THEN TALK SO MUCH.OVER A FEW DINING DISHES IN THE BASIN THEN SAY ME UNTIL LIKE EVERYTHING MY FAULT.YOU CANNOT BLAME ME IF I HATE YOU!NEVER SEE WHY I SELDOM TALK TO YOU?COS TALK TO U I FEEL VERY PRESSURISED . TILL WILL DIE.TALK TO YOU MUCHAM TALK TO A PERSON HOLDING A GUN.SAY SOMETHING WRONG JIU DIE ALREADY.WILL GAN ME UNTIL I CRY.U THINK I WHAT YOUR MAID AH.I GUY NOT GIRL.DISHES ARE NOT FOR ME.EVEN IF I WASH LE YOU ALSO WILL NOT PRAISE ME DE MA.PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY WAH YOUR FATHER SO GOOD TO YOU.YOU WHAT I TELL THEM?YOU IN FRONT OF THEM LIDDAT BEHIND?A MONSTER!YOU GOOD LIKE KANASAI!NABEI!BYE
Sunday, December 02, 2007
BACK FROM TAIWAN! had a rather fun trip.but nah beh chi bai. i dropped my handphone into the water at this theme park over there.not very sad though. was sad only because of my songs and camera pics. damn it la.but had a rather fun trip there.bonded with ger. everyday sit with her on our bus trips and talked nonsense. din see any shuai ge or mei nu there though.dagu said i still looked best. than i was like.no.hahas.but was called a shuai ge by many shop assistants. well,might be because they wanna earn my money ba.hahas.the local tour guide said i looked sexy cos i was wearing my newurbanmale party tank in the weather like 18 degree Celsius LOLS!i'm sexy k.whatever !lalals.did not miss singapore at all. but friends,yes! woohoo. blog next time ba.. LOVES! :D
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